instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.