@littlelady899: When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
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@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
@SamGrittner: Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
@BDGarp: Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
@pleatedjeans: [filling out birth certificate] Me: we're naming him Greg Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes "Grork"]