Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Another interesting #factupdates post!
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
real
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.