When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice