When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors