@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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@waydybee: Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
@jackiembouvier: I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
@heykarlin: Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson."
@d_duhwit: Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:"Do U find this is a tough neighborhood? Neighbor:"Na, u just use a slow cooker. Me:"What? n:"What