When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I beg your pardon?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again