@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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@PAT_E_ROCK: BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him- Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don't do that
@TheWeirdWorld: A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.