@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership? Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn't agree with
@Dutch_50: Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.
@SigneSaysSo: My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.