When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
You Might Also Like
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.