@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
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@MrMichaelRose: I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I’ve been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
@MeanGein: Algebra is like sex. I didn't really get it in high school, and I definitely don't get it now.
@Fred_Delicious: [becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]