Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.