@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
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@drinksmcgee: Me: Why are you holding a fork? Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster. Me: STOP! *turns my chair to get a better view Me: Carry on.
@jwoodham: It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Name one of your strengths" I didn't stab anyone today "That's not-" Yesterday wasn't so good tho