@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
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@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
@PoliticallyILL1: I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."
@keatingthomas: They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, "Actually, that just went up 500%."