@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
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@Ygrene: Oh man almost forgot the trash *takes trash out, a nice little sushi place* This is great *sees wife there with the recycling* WHAT THE HELL
@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
@djdarrellripley: Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife? Me: Only by "automatic withdrawal."