@TarzanFeathers: When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.
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@1Bad_Scientist: Boss: I'm sorry but we have to let you go. Me: Really? That's not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
@thepunningman: [Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?" Yes please "THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"
@TheBeerGuy73: Note to self: When the wife asks "Do you like my new hair", don't reply with "It'll grow back, right?"