It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
You Might Also Like
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.