@TarzanFeathers: When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.
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@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
@Smooheed: I just ruined my 5 year olds' entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun Yay parenting
@Abusitron: [leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
@whatmaddness: *sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior* Through a mouthful of ice cream, "I've got plenty of time."