Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
first you must answer his riddles
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again