@dumbbeezie: When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it's probably not cake. I'm tired of the let down.
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@Underchilde: I'm sorry but shits and giggles don't sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
@TheHyyyype: "hush little baby" is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
@therealeatwood: I can’t believe it’s 2017 and capital i is still indistinguishable from lowercase L
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: People are coming over tomorrow Me: We should clean today Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours? Me: We should clean tomorrow