My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic