When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
just having fun
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.