When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…