When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
oppen heimer style lol
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-