When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
A sick whale is called an unwhale
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.