When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
#DesignFail
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”