When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
stop
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
yeet
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*