[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”