My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish