Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.