@kellymcc0y: When someone spaces out their "ha ha ha's" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice
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@truegritrumble: GUY: Hey, hold the elevator! ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living. *12 hours later* GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
@ANastyGorilla: My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
@vincevangone: Infomercial: "Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can't get any results?" Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!