i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
they really do be looking like this
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses