@kellymcc0y: When someone spaces out their "ha ha ha's" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice
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@trumpetcake: Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
@_sinistroll: ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO! COWORKER: Amanda. ME: Why would you assume it's a man?
@green_eyed_doll: Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.