@kellymcc0y: When someone spaces out their "ha ha ha's" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice
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@KalvinMacleod: ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
@AnAbsurdBird: With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads "creep" blaring out probably didn't help.
@Classy_Cassy89: My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
@LisaFarted: The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.