MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.