When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Why is no one talking about this?!
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.