@iGreenMonk: When someone tell me , "long time no see" i usually reply, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
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@_Ashley_Jordan: I'm going to walk up to strangers and ask "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.
@yenniwhite: Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute. After: sit down.
@BobTheSuit: Realtor: Why r u moving? Me: I've been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won't let me open my silverware drawer.
@Be___Dope: [on the phone] Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I'm high. CW: You know you're talking to a banana right?