Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?