[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND