I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he