@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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@JediGigi: [walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon] Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I'd like to ship him this please.
@david8hughes: "I've an appointment with Dr Patel." "Dr Patel is off sick today so-" [slowly backs away & whispers] "U people can't even help yourselves."
@haleysfalling: patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH bad people: ok, death patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart
@joejwest: [pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues