When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If only.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.