When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
if dolly were in the holy bible she鈥檇 be in charge of parton the red seas.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I鈥檓 also hungry so can you feed me right meow
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Put a ring on it
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
billionaire: we鈥檙e all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it鈥檚 not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That鈥檚 cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection