@Tmoney68: When someone tells me, "I think of you as family," I assume I'm about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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@RocketRankoon: [picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@Fred_Delicious: [everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt] "No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon"