When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.