Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The booster protects against what, now?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do