@INDlAN_: When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
@dshack8: 50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.
@Quartzjixler: Shipwreck survivors on an island S1: We told you to spell 'SOS' with those coconuts! S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I'm a vegan.
@thenatewolf: WIFE: You kept screaming “no, no, no, no, no” in your sleep. What were you dreaming about? ME: a well balanced diet and exercise