@INDlAN_: When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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@TheCiscoKidder: A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
@jonnysun: FRIENDS reunion (2016) RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
@FeverFlave: *sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
@nealbrennan: People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”