me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.