I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
You Might Also Like
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Happy Taco Tuesday
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.