Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
CUTE CAT‼︎
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*