Did a trash talking tree write this?
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
🤣😈🤣
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.