Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.