@audipenny: When someone tries to argue with me I'm like "hey pal let me stop you right there" and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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@OwensDamien: In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
@Reverend_Scott: Wife: "Notice anything?" Me: "Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?" Wife: "You forgot to wear pants."
@RorynotRoy: Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.