@iGreenMonk: When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm vegetarian."
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@Notoliviasteel: Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE
@HarryRamble: I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
@batkaren: [1st date] "I'm really into roll playing," I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
@Samiam556: They won't give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don't make phones that survive being thrown against walls? It's nonsense...