[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The asteroid..
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never