When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.