On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English