When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.