a fate I wish upon no one
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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
got so much cardio in today
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter