If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so