@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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@peachgrenade: A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
@RichardDreyfuss: You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
@envydatropic: I don't care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist.
@MelvinofYork: My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.