@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
@onion_an: Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that's none of your business
@TheCatWhisprer: If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can't hear.
@awesomelocks: Woman: The bees are dying. random male: I don't know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I'M not killing bees.