@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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@weinerdog4life: Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
@FilthyRichmond: I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
@1Bad_Scientist: Boss: I'm sorry but we have to let you go. Me: Really? That's not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
@internetluke: [talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] "No" What? "You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch" *places $50 back in my pocket*