When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
#TopTip
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.