if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening