When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’ve been learning to cook.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.