When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Safety first
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.