Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
March 16
The Wolf of Wall Street.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?