I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
i think both sides are to blame here
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on